They Must Be Stopped

Strike One!

Three things that really have me riled up today. They must be stopped, crushed, eradicated from everday life:

• Mr. Bluetooth: What's with these asswipes? Are they so insecure that they must impress us with a) their mastery of technology; or, b) that they're so goddamn important that they must wear their little Bluetooth communication pod wrapped around their ear. Is it SO important to be in touch with the office or your friends ALL the time? I can see where one would be beneficial in the office, or maybe while driving a car. . .but in the john taking a crap? Or walking down the street, talking to (we assume) someone in a loud voice and gesturing wildly. Or dining alone in a restaurant, carrying on a conversation with someone who isn't there. Behavior like this in the past would land you in an observation ward; now it's supposed to make you look like A Real Go Getter. Pathetic. Our best hope is that these things give the wearer brain tumors. Get lost!
  

Strike Two!

• No-stick Patriotism: Used to be, you wanted to fly the red-white-and-blue on your car, you got a clear plastic sticker and slapped Old Glory on the rear window. There it stayed, by God, long after you sold the car. Hell, there's a Plymouth Fury that must be 40 years old running around over here that still has its flag sticker, now faded and getting all crackly, likely one that was given away by Gulf Oil in a promotion during the Vietnam War. Now, THAT is commitment! But don't bother us today with such things: "Support the war? What a nice sentiment! As long as it doesn't damage the finish on my BMW or Lexus." Nothing is permanent anymore, and no one can commit to a cause to save their ass. The magnetic ribbon is the perfect answer to the suburban know-nothing who was all for the war when it began, and is now ambivalent about the whole thing.

Strike Three!

• Dr. Phil: Enough said about this dickhead, the better.