Thursday, May 28, 2009

New King of the Road for Assholes!

The boobs aren't the only thing here that are fake. . .

I make no bones about my contempt for the American Asshole. It's the American Asshole who is the Poster Boy for everything that is going wrong in this world. Greedy. Self-centered. "Fuck You" to the rest of the world. The kind of guy who is all attitude and stunted maturity.

Really. Who actually NEEDS a Hummer? Besides the military, that is (and if could be argued that the Willy's Jeep was actually a far more cost-effective, durable machine). And they really only need that when they're off on overseas adventures, either preserving our freedom or taking away someone else's.

It's not just the Hummer driver who embodies the American Asshole. I also lump the Mid-Life-Crisis Corvette owners, guys who put those ridiculous big wheel/thin tires on their four-door sedans, and the Chrysler 300 Hemi owners as well. And anyone who thinks a "pissing Calvin" sticker on the rear window is radical, man.

Yeh, American Asshole. We get the idea. You're an American. You can do whatever the hell you want. No matter the consequences. Fuck the rest of us. You'll pollute us with your CO2, you'll burn up far more fossil fuel than one person should deserve to, you'll force us to listen to your loud (chrome-plated) exhausts--and your stereo. Your girlfriends have fake tits, your resumes have fake achievements, and your favorite athletes are steroid cheaters.

I'm sure you'd all love to show us your penises, but I'm guessing the size of the truck means you're overcompensating about your inadequacies in that department.

These Assholes: I'm tired of 'em. I'd go kick their asses if I wasn't afraid they'd shoot me with their concealed-weapon-permitted handgun.

But we're in a new era here in America. The Hummer has been villified as one of the money-losers for GM. . .and it's become passe. What will take its place? Not a foreign vehicle, I can assure you.

Meet the Ford F650. An Asshole Mobile for a new generation!

This thing is really more small semi-truck than pickup. But don't let that stop folks with money from customizing it into something overly flashy and highly offensive to all sense of propriety.
It's powered by a 325hp 6.7 litre Cummins diesel. And tricked-out, it'll cost you at least $100K.

And who has that kind of money anymore, but athletes or rap artists. You can pick up a nice used one--nothing fancy, just a King cab with a pick-up bed) for around $45K. That's about reasonable. The perfect machine to fly your rebel flag off the back of.

Check out the linked website for some amazing ways to spend good money on a flashy, blingy toy. Stuff like this used to make us the envy of the world. Now I'm thinking it's making us the laughing stock.

Me? I'm keeping my 1997 Honda CR-V with 130,000 miles on it. It'll fit in my garage, and for now at least, I can afford the gasoline. And most folks don't think I'm much of a self-centered asswipe when I drive it, either.

This about sums it up: God, the Flag, an obscenely huge pickup truck. All that's missing is the gun in the glovebox to scare homosexuals with.

I'd never heard of Simona Halep before visiting Deadspin today, and I don't follow tennis, so I'd have no idea she won her match in the second round of the French open. Let's hope her operation makes her a better tennis player (and doesn't take away too many commercial sponsorship offers). And leave it to the Brits to put a Page Six spin (complete with video) on the story. . .

Meanwhile, the predominant male 18-45 demographic is letting out a collective "Noooooo!!!"


Gary L said...

Do they really drive those on public streets ?? The F650 I mean !

All of a sudden my 11 year old Holden Jackaroo (GM/Isuzu Trooper over there I think) 3.0 L, 4 cyl diesel with 150 K on the clock is looking rather 'green'.

What inspired this post Blair ? Did one of these monoliths suck your CRV in through the air intake or just cut you off on the freeway??

PS Are you sure they're fake !!??

BEK said...

The other day I saw three of these behemoths in traffic. what tha?

As for the fake vs. fake question: I'd welcome the opportunity to make the determination.

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